In a classic twist that would make even the most ardent dramatist nod in approval, it turns out that Donald Trump’s tariff and trade policies might just be the surprise hit of the season. Economists, who were busy predicting doom and gloom from their ivory towers, now find themselves in the awkward position of re-evaluating their theories. These are the folks who once told us with absolute certainty that tariffs would lead to an apocalypse of economic proportions. Yet, while past tariffs like the 2018 levies on steel and aluminum did spur some domestic production, recent projections indicate that the 2025 tariffs could reduce long-run GDP by about 6% and wages by 5%, with significant retail price inflation expected. It’s as if reality decided to play a grand practical joke on the economic elite, and the punchline is delightful.
Our journey through this economic funhouse begins with fictional characters like Dr. Herkimer Fud from Princeton, who once won accolades for his imaginative use of the word “unexpectedly” in the face of failed predictions. Dr. Fud assures us that economics is a science—where facts are fun, but theories are paramount. When reality disagrees with their theories, the blame game begins, and anyone opposing their majestic wisdom is accused of potentially triggering another Great Depression. It’s a bit like saying the sun wouldn’t dare rise without their predictions highlighting the event.
Next, we meet Harvard’s very own fictional Dr. Theodopoulos Querus, who made a splash with a fascinating performance art piece: shouting “tariffs” repeatedly before collapsing into a puddle of despair. Dr. Querus fears that his precious Mercedes dreams might vanish, an injustice so severe it could spark economic ruin. The horror of having to drive a more modest vehicle seems to outweigh the benefits of an independent American manufacturing base. Truly, the sacrifice of luxury is the greatest tragedy in this tale.
Yale’s fictional Dr. Clapperton Dribble appears equally rattled, championing the cause of global slow decay over sudden upheaval. Dr. Dribble had slow decay as his preferred method for sucking the lifeblood from nations—a subtle and sophisticated approach, like watching paint dry for decades. The notion of a fast recalibration is just too much for these learned minds. Better to languish in economic stagnation than risk too swift a change, which might leave these enlightened professors without enough time to retire to exotic locales.
In a final flourish, an international team of economists attempts to model the supposed chaos. They construct an elaborate machine that accomplishes absolutely nothing but provides a visual distraction while America marches toward success. It’s a Rube Goldberg device of economic theory—a convoluted contraption designed not to create solutions, but to baffle and entertain an audience of economists. Their version of rewriting history doesn’t involve dusty textbooks; it’s more of a three-ring circus show watched with bated breath to see if the plastic mouse gets caught.
For the audience at large, however, this spectacle is astounding. Analysts and academics scratch their heads while the rest of us watch tariffs pump life into some segments of American industry, despite economic indicators of broader fiscal drawbacks. It’s an unexpected plot twist that some of us are relishing. If the experts continue to clutch their pearls and miss the encroaching dawn of American self-reliance, well, they might soon find themselves relegated to answering trivia questions rather than shaping policy. And let’s be honest, that might be exactly where they belong.
