As the year tumbles headfirst into 2024 like a toddler chasing after a runaway balloon, one can’t help but notice the absurd array of New Year’s resolutions surfacing on social media. With inflation rising faster than anyone’s self-esteem after a week at the gym, it’s amusing to see just how many people think they can transform their lives with a mere declaration. The parade of resolutions is about as predictable as January’s polar vortex, and we might as well grab our popcorn and enjoy the show.

Take, for example, the individual who proudly declared their intention to embrace their “villain era.” Apparently, selflessness is so last year, and it’s time to indulge in some healthy narcissism instead. It’s almost touching to witness someone rebel against the Golden Rule, claiming they were tired of pleasing others. Of course, the irony is delicious. To think that eschewing kindness was even a consideration for a resolution warrants a round of applause. Perhaps this person has just realized that being a decent human being isn’t exactly trending, and it’s far easier to get by with a little selfishness wrapped in a cute TikTok filter.

Then there’s the magical realm of technology where our beloved ChatGPT is now moonlighting as a life coach. Apparently, there’s no need for actual human mentorship when you can consult a program designed to spit out generic advice based on algorithms. The faithful accuser stands poised, eager to file their existential crisis under “convenience.” If taking advice from a silicon-based lifeform isn’t the epitome of modern absurdity, one must wonder what is. As they stare at a screen, they’re likely pondering if their true resolution should be, “don’t rely on robots for emotional support” or perhaps “get a real therapist instead.”

Some resolutions certainly tread a familiar path, with voices proclaiming that one doesn’t need to focus solely on weight loss. But let’s be honest; the elusive quest to “make peace with one’s body” often devolves into a pit of misguided self-indulgence. While everyone should celebrate their unique shape, recommending that individuals continue to indulge in their favorite pastries might not turn out to be the life-altering guidance they need. Instead of adopting a mantra about loving oneself wholly, some might benefit from a little tough love—where the emphasis is on getting active and eating right. Because, let’s face it, the everlasting conclusion remains: one can’t just wish away body weight like a bad hair day.

Let us also take a moment for the bingo aficionados. One visionary traded in the tired old vision board for a bingo card—rolling the dice on life with a twist of whimsy and eager expectations. While the concept is charming—who wouldn’t want to schedule their goals in colorful squares?—imagine the mic-drop moment when resolutions become mere checkboxes. While we applaud creativity in achieving life goals, the notion that one’s ambitions can be reduced to a whimsical game feels just a tad lackluster. After all, achieving the jackpot of fitness isn’t as simple as calling out B6 and hoping for the best.

Finally, there’s the heartwarming sentiment of wanting to detox from “toxic people” in one’s life. It’s a noble pursuit in a world riddled with petty grievances and fake friends. Rather than spending energy fretting over who holds them back, these brave souls are taking a hatchet to their social circles—with the goal of genuine connections in mind. How refreshing! One can only hope that the adventurer’s commitment to trimming the fat means they won’t start dropping friends like hotcakes before exiting 2025.

In the grand scheme, as our society gingerly steps into another year, let’s take a moment to appreciate the creativity and humor that comes with our collective neuroses. Whether the resolutions end in glory or despair, at least there’s something hilariously entertaining about it all. Life may just be a carnival of absurdity, but in the end, isn’t that what makes the ride worth it? Happy New Year—you marvelous mess of contradictions!