Once upon a time, in the whimsical realm of politics, the Democrats found themselves in a bit of a pickle, as if waking up from a long slumber only to discover they’d been tossed into a political wilderness. Enter Vladimir Impaler, the self-proclaimed reputational restoration guru. This character could very well have waltzed out of a satirical novella, brandishing titles both mysterious and grandiose, while claiming to single-handedly orchestrate the most befuddling of political theater.
Impaler’s self-assigned mission was to remold the Democrats’ image, like a potter reshaping a very pink mound of clay. The consultant’s pièce de résistance was the plan to outfit Democratic Congresswomen entirely in pink—a color that, one supposes, symbolizes something other than cotton candy, unicorns, and bubblegum. It was perhaps a riotous statement of personal expression, or maybe just a dream from the depths of a very pink subconscious.
Not to be outdone, Impaler’s theatrical touch extended to providing Democrats with signs bearing candy-heart messages. Oh, the nostalgia of Valentine’s Day in elementary school! Except these messages declared not love, but disapproval of the “boorish yet strangely alluring brute” known as Donald Trump. It’s quite a curious strategy, akin to whispering discontent during a rock concert; the illusion of volume is sometimes all that’s needed to stir the imagination.
Our mystical Impaler wasn’t content with merely pink garb and tiny, cryptic signs. No, the consultant’s crowning achievement was orchestrating a scene where Democrats coolly remained seated and stone-faced as Trump rolled out plans that would seemingly warrant applause from mere mortals announcing secure borders and a bolstered economy. It was, the consultant boasted, a bold stand of principle against the tide of common decency and, dare we say, humanity.
In wrapping up this curious tale, one could hardly overlook Impaler’s future visions. These included assembling small (yet oh-so-earnest) throngs of 10 or 15 protesters, ready to shout slogans that will undoubtedly make history books—or at least a particularly interesting Twitter thread. Whether this peculiar approach will truly redeem the Democrats or merely cement their status as high-functioning eccentrics remains anyone’s guess, but in the realm of political theater, isn’t the spectacle half the fun?
