In the unfathomable world of urban life, where every coffee shop might just double as a criminal hotspot, there was recently a story out of Chicago that had jaws dropping lower than a candle during a blackout. It involves Kathleen Miles, who was just minding her own business, strolling through the bustling loop on her way to Union Station. Little did she know, she was about to get hit harder than a piñata at a kid’s birthday party. Yep, that’s right — a random attack that could happen to anyone, which begs the question: When did society decide to put a “free violence” sign on downtown streets?

Now, to give you all the details without putting anyone to sleep, Kathleen was suddenly met with an uninvited and brutal fist to the face from a 32-year-old gentleman named William Livingston — who, I might add, has more mug shots than most of us have selfies. Thirteen, to be exact! I don’t know about you but even my grandma would be worried if I had that many photos of me looking dodgy in the criminal gallery. You practically expect a hashtag to trend like #MugShotMadness with that many images circulating!

So, what’s the deal here? This guy has a rap sheet that reads like a bestseller, filled with violent offenses and a fondness for punching, apparently. Yet, instead of the proper sentences that come with such charming hobbies, he often found himself back on the streets quicker than you could say, “Let’s reform the justice system!” Funny how a system designed to protect the innocent seems to have forgotten that punishment exists for a reason. One might say it’s like they threw him a party instead of locking the door!

And here’s where it gets even more perplexing, folks. You see, while some might look at his repeated offenses and think, “This guy might need more than just a time-out,” others seem to suggest that maybe, just maybe, he could benefit from a good sit down and some heartfelt talks about feelings. If punching a woman in the face gets you a quick 100 days in prison, then can someone please explain to me why I need a gym membership when I could just get into some street fights and log less time at the gym than a typical Netflix binge?

The real kicker is how far these loop-de-loops in the justice system have gone to protect individuals who have repeatedly failed to understand that keeping your hands to yourself is a basic life skill! One would think that at some point, after the third or fourth mug shot, there should be a universal “We’ve Had Enough” button that lawmakers could push. But instead, they seem to be more interested in crafting a narrative around systemic oppression rather than the fact that maybe some individuals are just plain bad at being members of society.

In the end, Kathleen speaks out bravely, making sure her voice resonates through a city that has somehow normalized such wild chaos. As her next court date approaches, one can’t help but wonder how many more victims will be caught in the crossfire of policies that seem to prefer rehabilitation over keeping the community safe. Maybe if we start handing out those “three strikes” penalties again, more folks will think twice before using fists instead of words. Just saying! If only there were more punchlines instead of punch-out sessions, perhaps we’d find a way out of this madness — or at least a better way to keep the streets clean!