Once again, ’tis the season to dust off the holiday classics, and with it comes the annual ritual of picking apart traditional songs for any whiff of impropriety. This year, the holiday hit under the microscope is Jingle Bells. Yes, Jingle Bells, that wholesome tune sung cheerfully by children as they dash through the snow in open sleighs, is now allegedly laden with sinister undertones. Oh, the horror! The claim is flying around that this merry jingle is rooted in racism, though one wonders if these critics spent the holiday counting snowflakes to ensure equitable representation of all weather patterns.

Apparently, the origins of Jingle Bells have been linked to minstrel shows of the 19th century, which featured racist portrayals of African Americans and are recognized today as offensive. Research by Boston University professor Kyna Hamill found the song’s first performance was likely at a minstrel show in Boston. Yet it’s crucial to understand that the song itself does not contain racist lyrics, and its current usage is devoid of those historical elements.

Of course, we have the good professors at higher learning institutions to thank for these groundbreaking insights. It’s always fascinating to see the intellectual gymnastics required to extract controversy from a festive tune. While most of us might have spent our Christmas mornings sipping hot cocoa and unwrapping gifts, these scholars were busy unwrapping grave injustices from Christmas carols. Commitment to the cause, indeed.

Meanwhile, another holiday staple, Baby, It’s Cold Outside, has also found itself on the naughty list in recent years. This once beloved duet is now analyzed with the fervor of a college thesis defense. Back in the day, we called it flirting, but today’s critics are convinced it’s a handbook for impropriety. Perhaps nobody flirts with them anymore, explaining their tireless efforts to turn every harmless ditty into a cultural landmine.

Let us not mock the crusaders of this cause, however. There is true virtue in trying to ensure nobody, anywhere, enjoys the holiday season without a healthy dose of guilt and recrimination. We must remember that maintaining a climate of constant discontent is far more virtuous than spreading joy and goodwill. After all, if we managed to drop a dash of doubt or unease into a single pleasant gathering, we’d surely be hailed as heroes in the never-ending battle against holiday cheer. Remember, ‘Merry Christmas’ can certainly use a side of solemn frowning. Happy holidays! Or rather, merry grievance!